How to find the words

Have had a few hard days the week that has just been. Woke up on Thursday and it was like bam with the grief. Every little thing seemed to be a trigger to remind me of my dad and it was/ is just hard that he is no longer here.

Know it is something I need to talk about but sometimes it is hard to find the words to talk about it. And then with them comes more hurt and sadness which in a way never goes away as there is no solution, can’t change what has happened no matter what I do or say or talk about or think or anything and that is incredibly hard to get my head around sometimes. However I do know that I need to keep talking, I am a changed person from last year!

Was trying to think how to describe how it feels and thought sometimes it feels like I have this heavy cloud with me. Can carry on my day as normal but that cloud will stay there. Then thought that sometimes the cloud doesn’t feel as heavy but still always there.

Actually the best way I can describe it at the moment is grief is like the sky, it is always there but sometimes it is covered by clouds and there is many different clouds. So there will be days where it is light wispy clouds then other days where it is heavy dark clouds and of course with clouds comes precipitation.

So had a few days where it was heavy clouds but that has got lighter again. What have I done to help it get lighter again? I suppose just keep on doing the things that I know help my mental health ( What Helps My Mental Health?) because there isn’t anything else for it.

I know there are going to be hard days but I also know that I need to feel them and let that pain be there as there is no where to push them away to. Grief is everywhere. Also realised that yeah there is going to be days where if I am busy it is actually just a distraction and it isn’t getting rid of the sadness and pain but actually that is okay. It is okay to just distract yourself for a while as everything doesn’t have to be about dealing with it and processing it straight away. It is okay to do something that makes you feel better even for a short time in what is a bad day. Dark cloudy days can have brighter spells in them.

Then there will be days where everything feels that bit brighter. Still some clouds around but not as heavy.

Yesterday that heavy feeling lifted for me as the day went on. Going for a bike ride had a huge impact but also just doing stuff with my day, spending time with my wife, dog and friends. Not having to make decisions on what to do cause I had already made the plan the day before.

The two photos are from my bike ride yesterday and one of them is upside down. The water was that still and that calm it is very hard to tell which one is which.

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