On the 7th of June my Dad died.
He had been starting to deteriorate day by day so we all knew that it wasn’t going to be too much longer than he was with us. The last weekend I spent up there was really good, got to see a lot of him and when I left him on Sunday morning he was in good spirits. I am not overly a physical person when saying goodbye to my parents but it was the first time in ages ( and what turned out to be the last time ) that I kissed my Dad goodbye.
Telephone calls with my Mum on the Monday and Tuesday were about preparing ourselves for getting that phone call of needing to get up there and also that we could be spending longer up there than just the weekend when there.
Wednesday 6th of June which is our wedding anniversary ( 3 years this year) I got the phone call just as I got to work. He had rapidly gone downhill over night, basically bed bound, the doctor was coming in to put him on a syringe pump and get him sedated. From about Wednesday lunch time he was heavily sedated and that was really about it, even then pain was still getting through sometimes to show on his face. We all decided the best thing was for us to get our things all packed and together then head up first thing on Thursday morning. We went out for our anniversary meal on the Wednesday which was great and I think what he would have wanted us to do.
Thursday morning we headed off to begin the long drive north. At Aviemore got a phone call from my mum to say at just after 12 when the Nurses and Doctor was in to clean and change the syringe etc he with my mum by his side holding his hand took his last breath and died.
Yes it is hard that I wasn’t there right at the end but at the same time it would have been just as hard being there and seeing him so sedated and reliant on outside help for the most basic of human care. I don’t think he would have wanted me to see him like that, I think he would have much rather that we had the best day that we could on the Wednesday considering the circumstances and went out for a nice meal to celebrate and essentially make the most of the moment.
Something that I had been thinking about a lot over the past few months was whether I wanted to see him once he had died and it was hard to know what the answer was. However on the drive up there after hearing the news and when I got there it felt like the right thing to do. I didn’t quite feel that as I walked into the room but as I sat there I knew that I had made the right decision. Sat in the room for a bit, held his hand, stroked his hair and kissed him goodbye a few times.
The undertaker wasn’t able to come and take him away until the next day so just before he was taken for the final time I went in and again kissed him goodbye. It was incredibly difficult to see a coffin come in with his name and age on it and then to see it leave knowing that that was him in it, gone and gone forever.
At the end of the day on the 7th Kat and I took Maia for a walk on the local beach and it was a lovely evening, stunning sunset. So that is where the photos on this blog are from.
So the 7th of June 2018 was the end of my life with having my dad alive in it and the beginning of a new life without him there anymore.