After many months of waiting it is a bit strange to now have had my first psychology appointment, it has been about getting to this point but what now?
The now is haven taken that first step on what is going to be a long slow journey and it is about living life. The first step was about getting to that appointment however now it is about continuing to take the next step and the next and so on.
That goal has been reached so it feels weird to no longer have that going around in my head but I think that is understandable to feel like that and now about thinking about the next goal. The appointment went well, found the psychologist easy to talk to which is probably the biggest obstacle for me ( next time I need to take a bottle of water with me ). Was an assessment appointment which is exactly what I was expecting and the next one in 2 weeks time is a further assessment appointment before a plan is formulated. From all the outcomes that could possibly come from the appointment I think it went the best way.
The past couple of days have been pretty intense, I was aways expecting them to be however had a spanner thrown into the works to make it that little bit more or so. I had my appointment yesterday but also on Monday I had a meeting at my new work to get some paperwork signed and to possibly arrange a start date. So for the past week a lot of emotions and thoughts flying all over the place in the build up to these two days.
On Monday before the meeting I was feeling not a lot to honest more numb and dead inside, not a particularly great sign but starting to realise that it is part of my coping mechanism and something to work on. However while waiting for the meeting I had an email with another possible job offer from somewhere else and that crashed through my walls of being numb to send my anxiety levels sky high. The anxiety is very much something that I find difficult to cope with and an area that is going to require a lot of work. Managed to get through the meeting and head home. The journey home was not easy as when the subway pulled into the station I was completely tense and just in my head kept saying ‘ don’t jump, don’t jump, don’t jump’. I didn’t want to jump but that was the thoughts at that point going on in my head. Calmed down after that and was okay for the rest of the evening.
Yesterday morning was mainly spent trying to make a decision about this job offer that I had been given and not really knowing what to do. A lot of talking with Kat and going over the pros and cons I made the decision. Whether a decision is the right or wrong one I don’t think anyone ever knows as you don’t get to see what would have happened if you had taken the other path. Just have to go with what decisions you make, so that one is made and going with the job that I have had in process for the past little while and the one related to the meeting on Monday.
So after two very intense days it does feel a bit like well what do I focus on now but it is now about continuing to keep taking the steps forward and living life. Every thing is still there going on and to work on.