Great Expectations

Today is the day that I have my first psychology appointment and my emotions, thoughts, feelings are all over the place with it. Feels like it has been a long wait for this day so doesn’t really seem real that today is the day.

Got referred back at the beginning of May and don’t get me wrong I always knew that was going to have a wait with how the NHS is and also I am lucky to be seen so soon. Doesn’t make the system right or really make any sense if you think about it but for the NHS and especially mental health it is what it is. There were points that felt like was never going to get this appointment and when in the middle of it any length of time felt huge.

The wait has built it up and up and up but also every time that I have gone down to the crisis centre ( which hasn’t been a lot due to this reason) they have essentially just said you just need to wait for psychology. Nothing like putting a lot of pressure on psychology! The last time I went there which was the Monday after that Friday and my overnight stay on the ward I said have felt unsupported for the past few months and really it has just been about waiting to work my way up the waiting list. The response was well yeah that is true you are unsupported and it is about waiting, not really the best thing to hear. With not being on meds have felt like they haven’t really known what to do with me as they can’t offer anything else.

I am very much aware that today is just the first appointment so will be an assessment and then finding out where I go from here. This is very much the very beginning of potentially getting help through the NHS. It is a balance about trying to go in with an open mind and not being clouded by past experiences but also not letting too much hope build up with it. The worry is that nothing will come of this and it feels like this is it in regards to the NHS. It is about waiting and seeing as can’t pre guess the outcome however that is hard to do considering one of the reasons I am being referred is anxiety.

The appointment would have to be in the afternoon as well and with being a morning person means that I have a lot of hours to get through. Trying to come up with distractions and also to not feel like this morning is a waste as all I am doing is waiting. It is very easy to turn life into a big waiting game as there is always something come up however if you do that then you don’t enjoy the moment at the time. Life is about the now as that is the moment that you are living not the past or the future.


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