Have done a lot of talking over the past few days so yesterday it was great to get out for a walk with Kat and Maia at Cathkin Braes in the sunshine and wind. Bit of talking but actually for both of us it was more just about enjoying being outside and being in the moment, being grateful to have that moment right there and then. Mindfulness for me isn’t about having those 10/15/20 minutes a day to sit with your thoughts but actually just more being exactly in the moment at that point with whatever you are doing. Yeah I very much can’t do that all the time and I don’t think anyone can but when outdoors with my wife and dog it is very much about being there and then to enjoy that. At that point nothing else matters.
As well as doing a lot of talking have also been doing a lot of thinking but I think the change now is starting to think more positively. Would be great to say that is all the time however it is a long long journey, starting to get a bit better about recognising why and when the thoughts are becoming more negative and also for talking about them as well. Think what is also good is I am now really starting to make decisions that are what I want to do, yes taking other people into consideration and obviously it isn’t all about me but being a lot more like this is my decision to make and this is what I want to do.
The past few months have been frustrating in the terms of trying to get help through the NHS, the lack of support and just that nothing seems to make a difference. We have all found that and it is a grievance about the whole system rather than against the individuals. Government, NHS, society’s attitude towards mental health has changed a lot especially in the past year but there is a very long way to go. However have decided wasting too much negative energy on thinking in a negative way towards that help, yes it would have been nice if it had been better for various of reasons however could say that about a lot of things and you can’t change the past. Plus a lot of factors going on inside my head has affected how I have viewed situations while in a different headspace it would be completely different.
So instead it is now about being grateful for the fact that I am getting help from them, have a psychology appointment at the end of November, there is a crisis service that I can access if required and my recovery isn’t based on anybody else apart from myself. No one can make me get better or get worse but instead it is about what I decide to do. The fact that ever with all this going on they see me as functioning, which on Friday is obviously not true, I am no longer going to see as a negative, frustrating and a lack of them seeing me but instead as a compliment that even with all of this going on that I am strong enough for to appear like I can do it so just imagine how good I am going to be at life once I start to sort out my headspace a bit more!