This picture was taken on Saturday morning from the outside area of the psychiatric ward at Lochgilphead. Where I work up on Saturday morning so yeah each time I have felt like I have hit rock bottom in the past few months I then seem to have another layer below that. However that really feels like it was right down there at the bottom.
It will probably take a few blogs to full talk about what occurred to get me to that point on Friday for me to be spending the night there and obviously a hell of a lot of work now with everybody so that I don’t ever end up at that point again.
A lot of factors I think built up and up to get me to the point that on Friday that I just couldn’t deal with any of it and all I was seeing was pain and darkness and just wanted out. Mixture of out in terms of just trying to escape it all and get away and then wanting to go ahead with suicide. Was not a good headspace to be in at all and that is the understatement of the century.
However I didn’t go ahead with it and I made the phone call to get help so as much as I wanted away from everything I also didn’t want to go. One of the hardest moments ever was to make that decision to go to A&E and then to spend the night on the ward but at the some point it was still me walking in there on my accord. Whatever my reasons were and whoever I was doing it for it was still me doing it, there was no one dragging me in or tying me down to get me to stay. That all means something.
There is obviously a lot more to all of this but I think at the moment that I will do and will slowly start to blog about it more and my journey from this point onwards. But what I will say is I never want to feel how I did on Friday again and be in that position and I never want to be an inpatient again so now I need to start putting in the work, time and effort and really just whatever it takes to not be there ever ever ever again.
I WANT TO LIVE!