If had gone to write this blog other the past few days it would have had a very different tone to it as have been in a fairly poor headspace. Today however I am in an improved mind space and feeling a lot more positive about everything so the blog will hopefully be a lot more reflective about the past few days!
The photos are from a walk that I did yesterday down at Loch Ard and not to the theme of the blog but just to break it up a bit.
So went back to work on Monday, have started doing locum dentistry work as need the work and that is the main/only option right at this moment. Sent my CV to a locum agency on Friday and about 5 mins later got a phone call back and work sorted for three days this week and three days next week. All of that is great but did happen very very fast! Less time for me to think about everything and have it going round and round in my head it was just going to happen!
Sunday as time went on my anxiety levels were going through the roof which yes is to be expected after 6 months away from work, being off due to illness never mind all the emotions etc that go with dentistry at the moment for me. It not being unexpected doesn’t make it any easier though. Luckily as per norm getting to sleep was no problem and that wasn’t affected that much, I’m sure it probably was a little bit but not that I would overly notice.
Being back at work has been hard, I didn’t think it was going to be anything apart from that but still it has been very hard. The actual doing the dentistry bit feels like I have never been away and just been off for the weekend. However all the thoughts and feelings around it have been difficult to deal with, comprehend and also to talk about with people as well. As per usual the talking bit is always the difficult bit for me and really haven’t been great about it for the past few days, had very much closed up again. Did manage to slowly talk about it and Wednesday night opened up to Kat what has been going on over the last few days in my head.
Going back in slowly and only doing a few hours would have been the ideal and recommend plan for returning to work. Unfortunately that very much didn’t happen and on the Monday and Tuesday was working 8.30am – 7pm then on the Wednesday 8.30am – 5.30pm so very long days for just coming back. That very much hasn’t helped anything at all along with being somewhere completely new, new staff and thrown in at the deep end with the patients. From the outside and to everyone else I have done well I just need to allow myself to see that as well.
I set myself such high expectations in my head that it is very difficult to reach them especially with everything else going on and won’t give myself a break. Really I need to give myself time to ease back into it and there was going to be no way that I could hit the ground running and everything to be exactly how I want it to be.
I have very much been anxious and stressed for the whole time at work in my head and body just as much. Chest pain which I haven’t had for ages now came back and also emotions or lack of emotions that I haven’t really felt before. After just one day of work on Monday I drove home not caring about anything like anything at all. Hadn’t seem Maia and Kat all day and was going to home and just didn’t care, I obvious do care about them a hell of a lot. Wouldn’t actively have done anything but at the same time wouldn’t have cared if anything had happened to me. First time have really had the not caring feeling to that full extent before. Getting through Tuesday was a lot harder and then driving home rather than feeling nothing was feeling everything, don’t know which one is worse to be honest! Wednesday I almost kept on driving back work, not to go and do anything just to escape and I suppose run away from everything. Trouble with that is you don’t actually runaway from anything as it stays there till you deal with it and you just have to come back to it so turned around at the first roundabout and went to work.
What is hard to try and work out in my head is whether I am feeling all of this because I am just back at work, need to give myself time, try and start to change my mindset and be more positive etc etc etc or whether I need to walk away from dentistry! It is a hard decision to make and keeps going round and round in my head in many different forms.
Yesterday went for a walk down at Loch Ard and had it going in my head the whole time, talked myself either way so many times. Was a lovely day and while I did manage to get some photos and was good to be out there I didn’t enjoy it as much as I have been especially in the past few months. Feels like I have taken a massive step backwards with headspace and that is just with three days of work. I know that there has been a lot of changes since the beginning of the year and I am not in the same place as I was it just isn’t always possible to see that. It is all a very difficult and slow process.
As I said this morning I am feeling in a better headspace, not necessary that I can make a decision any better but more that I can relax and enjoy what is going on around me rather than just being in my head.