“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
I feel over the past few months that I have reached rock bottom and then something else would happen and I would feel worse. It was heart wrenching and soul destroying, just felt like how much more do I have to deal with for this to be my worse. I almost just wanted it to get the worst that it could so then I knew that I have nowhere else to keep going down to that when I did go low again that I knew where that was, that I had experience of it and coming back. That everything wasn’t so new!
Sunday, 28th May 2017
To me that feels like rock bottom, the evening/night of that day is the worst that I have ever ever ever felt and I just wanted it to end. I wanted the pain and the torment and the anguish in my head to go away.
I sat on our sofa in tears telling my wife that I didn’t want to leave her, Maia, my life, everyone and everything but I wanted the pain to end and the only way that I could see the pain ending was to walk out the front door and end my life. Yes I was feeling suicidal and that in itself was hard to deal with never mind everything else going on in my head. It was the first time that I had told Kat and really saying it out loud that I was feeling suicidal.
However I didn’t leave, I held on and I fought. I went through that pain and stayed with the life that I want to be in. And I am going to keep on fighting because that is the only thing that I can do and the only thing that I want to do. Yes I want the pain to go away, I want it to go away so bad but I want just that to go away and for me to stay and live.
I might go down to that level again, it isn’t like that isn’t a possibility however I will know that I have been there before it isn’t new and it is something that I have come back from. That is the worst that it can get and I just need to get through that moment, that time and then I can start the journey upwards again.
Two days after that day I am enjoying a cup of tea while out in my kayak on Loch Lomond.
I can’t make each day better than the last because I know there is going to be ups and downs and times where each day feels worse than the day before. However what I can do is make each day better than Sunday 28th May 2017 in whatever means I can and yeah while I may feel as low as that again the fight is not to be in that same situation. To use the experience to learn and change. To sleep better, to eat better, to do more exercise, to talk to everyone and to get the help that is required.
” Even Darkness Must Pass.
A New Day Will Come And When The Sun
Shines It Will Shine Clearer.”